That Bitter Sweet Feeling :(

I feel like such a terrible friend and feel like I’m being left behind.

I am the only one in my group of friends who does not have my own child or one on the way. Its ironic because I had always thought I would be one of the first to have children, being very child orientated and always been so keen to get cracking on the baby making lark and was the first one of the bunch to settle down, with house and mortgage….all the really exciting stuff…NOT! and now here I am!

I got a phone call this morning from a really good friend who i have grown really close with over the last 2 years as we have both been on our TTC journey and she had the best news to tell me….I bet you can all guess what it was!……yes she is 4 weeks pregnant!.

No please don’t get me wrong, I am super super excited for her. so happy and its such amazing news and it really did make my day, BUT yes I do have this bitterness and feel terrible for feeling it. I put the phone down and had the biggest lump in my throat I had to go outside for some air and escape the office to sort myself out.

I am guilty of pushing my friends away, its happened before and I really need to start dealing with it otherwise I am going to end up alone if I cant get past these feelings. I’ve done it with my sisters, sister in law and friends. It just hurts so much to see someone pregnant when I want to be so badly, my heart just aches to be in their position, so what I do is I don’t see them as much and we end up growing apart, and then when their little ones are born I cant visit as often as I would LOVE to because I just turn into a broody baby mess when I get home.

This might come across as sounding like I am the biggest most selfish friend ever and you are probably right, but what can I do? does this ever get easier?

Every where I look there are pregnant women wandering around, babies wrapped in snuggle blankets being pushed around, Scan photos being added on FB and TV shows where people finding out they are preggers!!! its everywhere!!!!

I never thought it would be this hard to start a family. You take it for granted that when you want to start it will just happen. I never wanted to be in the category of ‘trying’ for a baby, I always wanted it to just be a happy surprise…………maybe one day ay!

(PS: sorry for this being a self pitying post!)