please dont write me off!

After such an emotional day yesterday I feel like I need to get some things off my chest in an attempt to lighten load, I just hope this works otherwise I’m going to have to carry my man sized tissues around all day!

I went to visit my parents yesterday. My Mum had her first treatment of radio therapy and she was very ill so I went to spend the day with her to try and be useful for her. Its heartbreaking seeing your mum so fragile and pale when she used to have such a fighting spirit. We have a good relationship, we are not close and unfortunately I can’t talk to her about anything that personal to me but I’m there for her, in a way with all that she has dealing with I don’t want to put my problems onto her aswell, if you know what I mean.
We sat chatting the afternoon away which was nice, abit of normality talking about other things than recovering, injections, tests and results, so it was good to chat about everyday things. What is to follow may sound so trivial compared to what mum is going through, but when it hits you out the blue it really knocks you side ways and def took the wind out of me and the biggest lump in my throat I could form in a short space of time!

Mum mentioned that her hairdresser had asked her “will deb ever have children?”
Firstly is it any of my mums hairdresser business what my family planning is? And secondly is she writing me off?
Or I have probably taken this too much too heart due to my current circumstances.
Is there a line of people all wondering behind my back if I even want children, will I ever have one, can I be bothered etc!
We have told no one about us TTC and I always meet this type of question with yeah we will when we are married etc (been engaged for 8yrs now) maybe a reason why I keep putting off planning the wedding is because when we are finally married that pressure to have a baby is going to be huge! And what if I can’t deliver such a promise!

My Mum was diagnosed with womb cancer and had to have an hysterectomy within 4 weeks of diagnosis. Her woman hood was brutally taken from her.
With out sounding selfish but I can’t help but think what if I get it? My hopes and dreams would be crushed and will never come true.

My eyes are so blurry with tears that I think I better stop.

Sorry xxx Debs xxx

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2 thoughts on “please dont write me off!

  1. Sweetheart, you are not being selfish as its only logical to think like this when your mum is going through that.
    It must be so hard when you don’t have anyone to confide in about ttc. Don’t beat yourself up about it. And as for everyone talking behind your back as to whether you will have children, do you care what they say? I wouldn’t. If they have got nothing better to do than speculate about whether you will start a family then they have very boring lives! I have learnt over the years to not give a shit about what others think about me and EN you know what, its very liberating! If you want to off load, message me. Big hugs chick x

  2. Oh Debs be strong! So strange to read that as my cousin, who tried and never managed to have kids, had to have a hysterectomy last year. Sadly it wasn’t enough and she’s not likely to get better now. She’s 45. Gutted and sad as I feel about her suffering I can’t get out of my mind how awful it must be to try and want for a baby so much (she had lots of miscarriages) and then be dying at 45, knowing all your chances of being a mum are over. Just where is the justice in that? And like you, I think “what if that’s me, what if it never happens? Will my life have been pointless?” I feel terrible for reflecting her anguish onto myself and wondering what I’d do.
    Don’t worry about people talking – it’s none of their business! When people ask me I say that it would be wonderful and we’d love to have kids but the timing is not necessarily something we can dictate. That kind of leaves it open without saying “oh we’ve been trying for months”. That said, you’ll find that most people are quite understanding if you say “well we’re trying but that’s all we can do”. Other people have shared their own troubles TTC after saying that or say “don’t worry it’ll come when it wants to”. You must be worried about your mum, I hope she’s okay going forward.
    Could you chat to a sympathetic GP? They might be able to offer you some wise words! I have to see a gynocologist for another fun complaint and when I timidly mentioned that TTC seemed to be taking a long time he very seriously told me that there was an 80% chance in two years of conceiving but only if you were having unprotected sex 2-3 times a week ALL the time! Despite my Internet researching and worrying I did believe him and managed to chill a bit about it.
    So I’ve written you an essay now and I’m sure you’re no longer crying but actually asleep from reading it all!
    Smile honey, you’ll make it! Hx

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