After such an emotional day yesterday I feel like I need to get some things off my chest in an attempt to lighten load, I just hope this works otherwise I’m going to have to carry my man sized tissues around all day!
I went to visit my parents yesterday. My Mum had her first treatment of radio therapy and she was very ill so I went to spend the day with her to try and be useful for her. Its heartbreaking seeing your mum so fragile and pale when she used to have such a fighting spirit. We have a good relationship, we are not close and unfortunately I can’t talk to her about anything that personal to me but I’m there for her, in a way with all that she has dealing with I don’t want to put my problems onto her aswell, if you know what I mean.
We sat chatting the afternoon away which was nice, abit of normality talking about other things than recovering, injections, tests and results, so it was good to chat about everyday things. What is to follow may sound so trivial compared to what mum is going through, but when it hits you out the blue it really knocks you side ways and def took the wind out of me and the biggest lump in my throat I could form in a short space of time!
Mum mentioned that her hairdresser had asked her “will deb ever have children?”
Firstly is it any of my mums hairdresser business what my family planning is? And secondly is she writing me off?
Or I have probably taken this too much too heart due to my current circumstances.
Is there a line of people all wondering behind my back if I even want children, will I ever have one, can I be bothered etc!
We have told no one about us TTC and I always meet this type of question with yeah we will when we are married etc (been engaged for 8yrs now) maybe a reason why I keep putting off planning the wedding is because when we are finally married that pressure to have a baby is going to be huge! And what if I can’t deliver such a promise!
My Mum was diagnosed with womb cancer and had to have an hysterectomy within 4 weeks of diagnosis. Her woman hood was brutally taken from her.
With out sounding selfish but I can’t help but think what if I get it? My hopes and dreams would be crushed and will never come true.
My eyes are so blurry with tears that I think I better stop.
Sorry xxx Debs xxx