Still here…..waiting, wondering…pushing people away :(

I am still here, lurking in the back ground, reading all your blogs, following your storys, seeing birth announcements, scan pics on FB, pregnant ladies moaning constantly about being pregnant, gazing at new baby photos, reading new mummy moans about no sleep, looking at pregnant belly shots, dealing with a deep longing inside my heart, googling signs and symptoms, getting angry at AF arrival, tired of trying, tired of being happy for others, tired of smiling a fake smile, tired of life and I’ve pushed all my friends away.
I’m still here………..just me…..longing for that happy day…… :(

so it begins…..again!

Just letting you all know I am still here! I have had a week that makes you realise you never know exactly what is round the corner.

As my AF is beginning, its another month gone by where no spermies smooched the egg enough to create a little life. I feel absolutely shattered and like a fool. Did the grapefruit drinking improve my cm? No! Did the pineapple help implantation? No! Did eating walnuts, cashews and piles of veg do anything? NO!
But will I begin it all again ready for next month? YES?…..why? Because I WILL get my Christmas wish, because I want us to have our own little family, because this time next year as I approach my 30th birthday I want that special bundle to cuddle.

So its Cycle Day 1 – agnus castus I begin again and the grapefruit juice drinking……and I’ve just ordered some Preseed from Amazon.

I have cried my tears for what could of been this month and need to look forward to next.

…And so it begins……again!….sigh

please dont write me off!

After such an emotional day yesterday I feel like I need to get some things off my chest in an attempt to lighten load, I just hope this works otherwise I’m going to have to carry my man sized tissues around all day!

I went to visit my parents yesterday. My Mum had her first treatment of radio therapy and she was very ill so I went to spend the day with her to try and be useful for her. Its heartbreaking seeing your mum so fragile and pale when she used to have such a fighting spirit. We have a good relationship, we are not close and unfortunately I can’t talk to her about anything that personal to me but I’m there for her, in a way with all that she has dealing with I don’t want to put my problems onto her aswell, if you know what I mean.
We sat chatting the afternoon away which was nice, abit of normality talking about other things than recovering, injections, tests and results, so it was good to chat about everyday things. What is to follow may sound so trivial compared to what mum is going through, but when it hits you out the blue it really knocks you side ways and def took the wind out of me and the biggest lump in my throat I could form in a short space of time!

Mum mentioned that her hairdresser had asked her “will deb ever have children?”
Firstly is it any of my mums hairdresser business what my family planning is? And secondly is she writing me off?
Or I have probably taken this too much too heart due to my current circumstances.
Is there a line of people all wondering behind my back if I even want children, will I ever have one, can I be bothered etc!
We have told no one about us TTC and I always meet this type of question with yeah we will when we are married etc (been engaged for 8yrs now) maybe a reason why I keep putting off planning the wedding is because when we are finally married that pressure to have a baby is going to be huge! And what if I can’t deliver such a promise!

My Mum was diagnosed with womb cancer and had to have an hysterectomy within 4 weeks of diagnosis. Her woman hood was brutally taken from her.
With out sounding selfish but I can’t help but think what if I get it? My hopes and dreams would be crushed and will never come true.

My eyes are so blurry with tears that I think I better stop.

Sorry xxx Debs xxx

……dam no will power!

I promised myself that I would not do it this month but tonight google got the better of me and I worked out what my due date would be if this cycle was successful….the 7th of July 2013 :) – why did I do that? I’m just raising my hopes for them to be squished.
I also worked out that I would be 12weeks a week before Christmas…this really excited me as I have always imagined telling family/friends on Christmas day, so this would work perfectly….again setting my hopes high for them to be dropped like a ton of bricks.
Why do I do it to myself?

oh how the mind boggles

Well after the disaster that was Friday evening, we have definitely made up for it *wink*
I got a def positive OPK yesterday and a little bit of light bleeding which I have never experienced before so close to ovulation, after I spent a good hour putting google and twitter to good use I came to the conclusion it was a good sign that ovulation was about to happen.
OH was frog marched upstairs and pounced on…..he didn’t complain :)

Its a bizarre feeling when you lay there after baby dancing, wondering what is going on inside, if anything!
Is OHs army doing their job? Are they well on their way to their one and only mission…is one feeling luckier than the rest? Or have they just all slacked off for the day and found a quiet spot they can laze around in!
As I sit here typing away me woes my mind is boggled with thoughts of what ifs and wonderings of what is actually happening.
But what I do know is more baby dancing is to come, I will continue to pee on the opks just to keep an eye on the LH levels and will ofcourse be looking out for that ovulation pain/cramp /twang I get and then move onto the 5 days eating of pineapple just incase there is something so precious needing a little boost to help it make its home :)

Watch this space…..

:( NOT how I planned the evening!

This morning I got the line on my OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit) you would of thought it was a BFP the way I hopped around excitedly! I guess I was just glad that everything seemed in working order and that precious egg was on its way…..so the only thought that occupied my brain today was BD! (Baby dancing) I spent the afternoon cleaning the house, tidying the bedroom, placing scented candles about the house and shopping for OH fav meal and buying a little saucy underwear ;)

I imagined the evening……
He comes home from work, has a refreshing shower, we enjoy a glass of wine with a yummy dinner….maybe sit down to watch a little tv… But of course we won’t be able to keep our hands off each other and we would go straight up to bed and make made passionate love………and conceive haha

How the evening went…….
I was late getting home, he didn’t go and shower because he couldn’t be bothered, we ate dinner, sat down to watch tv and he fell into the deepest sleep imaginable……..

I am now sat upstairs whilst he is downstairs fast asleep on the sofa.

My efforts have failed and I feel rejected by my own aspirations.

Bedroom is now dark and a lonely place after candles being blown out, my new lingerie is hanging on the chair unused and I just want to curl in a ball and sob.
I know I maybe am over reacting and there is still tomorrow but after I have gone through so much anticipation today, have I just set myself up for a massive fall. Do men have it easy?

I’m feeling very angry, I have changed my diet completely, I exercise everyday without fail, I drink grapefruit juice, Green Tea and all the necessary vitamins needed, I temp every morning, I take OPKs to work to pee on at lunch time, I track my cycles and constantly check symptoms, cm and cp.
We get a tiny gap per month to try our best to conceive the family we both dream of…so why does it feel I’m doing all the work. I don’t do all the preparations each month for OH to come home and be too tired to make the effort.
I guess I will have to hope that tomorrow goes a little better………..the fun sometimes just disappears and I hate the fact that something that should be so natural feels so mechanical and forced :(

Feeling Fruity!

So I had the evening all to myself lastnight, I grabbed a hot choccy, the laptop and settled on the sofa for a good googling session. I was in search of fruits that could give me an extra boost this month and if need be in months to come, and what I discovered about Pineapple and Grapefruit I found very interesting so I thought you might find it just as interesting, hence this blog post. If you don’t I apologise in advance ;)

 

Grapefruit Juice

Drinking grapefruit juice while trying to conceive has long been recommended by mothers, doctors, and midwives to aide in the fertilization process. The grapefruit juice is said to help thin the cervical mucus so that the sperm can travel easily from the vagina, through the uterus and into the Fallopian tubes to meet the egg. The egg white consistency cervical mucus is known to be the most fertile in every woman, but not every woman can product this type of cervical mucus on her own, and so many generations have turned to grapefruit juice.

Of course, like many home remedies there are varying rates of success with this cervical mucus remedy. Some women report that they see an instant improvement while others report minimal improvement and others still see no change. Its important to remember that every woman’s body responds to every drug, chemical, and naturally occurring substance differently so there is no way to determine if this remedy will work for you. But, if you are in search of a natural remedy to improve the texture of your cervical mucus grapefruit juice certainly is worth a try.

Recommended amount is 1 large glass per day –  I think I will drink this every day during the 2 weeks from beg of AF to Ovulation.

 

Pineapple

A fifth of a pineapple core a day over 5 days can help with implantation.The Chinese have long taught that eating pineapple is good for fertility. Research now sheds some light on why this may be true. Pineapple contains an enzyme called Bromelain, an enzyme that reduces inflammation in the body, including in the uterus. It also seems to be a mild blood thinner which can aid in implantation. It is suggested that one eat the core of the pineapple as that contains the most concentrated Bromelain, but if for some reason that’s not possible, you can eat a cup of the pineapple meat instead. Don’t start doing this until after ovulation as it can actually inhibit pregnancy if taken too early as the acidity of pineapple can effect cervical mucous. Also, stop eating pineapple after a positive pregnancy test as Bromelain can cause mild contractions and also thin the blood, which can possibly increase the chance of miscarriage. Here’s how to eat it:

* Cut up a whole pineapple, cut the core into 5 pieces and eat once piece daily starting the day after ovulation/IUI/IVF transfer.

* If you don’t have a fresh core, eat one cup of pineapple meat a day once a day starting the day after ovulation/IUI/IVF transfer.

* Don’t drink pineapple juice or eat pineapple while taking aspirin because pineapple, especially the juice, is a mild blood thinner. If taken with aspirin you may have too much of a blood thinner effect and this can lead to miscarriage. For this reason also stop eating pineapple after a positive pregnancy test.

* Canned pineapple has been heated which destroys the Bromelain so you have to eat fresh pineapple for it to be helpful.

So I will be giving this a go on 1dpo, 2dpo, 3dpo, 4dpo and 5dpo

 

**This is no way sound medical advice, I am just providing what I have researched. Always seek doctors advice.*

*****

What do you think?

I think the reasons for each fruit make sense, and the fact that I love fruit it wont be too hard to incorporate them into my daily life, might have to jig around a few green tea breaks lol

If you have come across any other fruits, veggies or anything that is edible that has great benefit for conception please comment below as I would love to put together a whole list for us to use as a reference point!

 

anyways……must dash…..I’m off to the shops….I have grapefruit juice to get glugging on *wink*